A new diagnosis and no contact

How medical history and information will be impacted by my Adult Child cutting me out.

I wish I had paid more attention to what my family told me as they were aging. I lived in a different town so when we were together, I didn’t want to talk much about illness. I’m pretty sure my brother had this too. Degenerative Disc at L5 and S1.

This is one of those things that is impacted by estrangement.

I was never officially estranged from my brother, but he was alcoholic and pretty unstable. I made efforts to send cards and letters in my 20’s but didn’t hear back and often my efforts were returned as “not at this address” - they had moved and not told me.

One of the last times I saw this older brother (I have four, 2 deceased and 2 survivors), we were chatting about life and he said “You got fat.” right in front of his (grown) daughter. She was mad at him but I explained, I was always little and skinny, naturally slender and it was true, I was heavier. I told him about my chronic inflammation condition and how I had a near death experience at 37 years old. He said, “You almost died and didn’t tell me?!”

Here’s the thing though, I didn’t even have his phone number at the time and he hadn’t reciprocated my efforts to keep in touch, so I really thought that he didn’t care. He was shocked but even for that dinner, it was his daughter who invited him! I got his phone number and we visited again a couple of times before I had to go home.

Now I’m almost 100% sure that he had this exact issue with his back.

Only his daughter can’t remember (why would she? She was a teenager taking care of herself when he had surgery) and neither can I. What I do remember is the surgery wasn’t the cure he had been hoping for and he still had chronic pain even after.

That’s the legacy of estrangement for those of us who survive - we won’t know our own family medical history - not really, not completely and by the time you need to know, it may be too late, if your cut off loved one has moved on from this world or is no longer able to extend themselves towards someone who injured them so completely by shunning them in the past. In the support groups I’ve joined, I regularly see parents saying, I just can’t stand the pain of being the only one trying, so I “let them go” and am not open to reconciliation.

Photo of me when I was 17 by photographer Clint Adam Smyth

I’m grappling with my next steps to take care of myself and asking for help from those that I trust. I have an appointment with a physio therapist, and I will take their recommendations and check for the Yoga equivalent of the exercises (I am a certified Yoga therapist with over 950 hours in trainings). I will call to book the first cortisone injection and follow doctors orders after that.

Now from all I’ve learned, I know if I call my Adult Child and leave a message with the news of the diagnosis, I will be accused of giving them a guilt trip. So, I won’t bother. I suppose I will call IF I do need to have surgery. I’m always anxious about medical stuff and my mom and a cousin had their heart stop on the operating table; so in general I’m to avoid surgery. This too is something my Adult Child should know but we never got around to talking about adult things and now I’m afraid it is too late. They have chosen, in a way, to be an orphan and so join that club of shrugs and “I don’t know” when they have their own health challenges in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. It’s a damaging situation for everyone.